What does it mean to be yourself?

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Imagine this scenario. You’re about to go on a first date with someone you met on a dating app. You’ve been on more first dates than you’d like to count, but you still have some pre-date butterflies. You call your best friend.

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“Hey, are you excited for your date tonight?”

“Yes, but I’m a little nervous.”

“Oh, you shouldn’t be. Just be yourself!”

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I get what people mean when they tell you to be yourself. They’re saying, don’t try to be something you’re not. Don’t try to be too funny or too intellectual or too desperate for attention. There’s this idea that if you don’t try to be disingenuous about your behavior or interests, then you’ll feel more comfortable, and situations like a first date or a job interview will be more natural.

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However, I’ve come to realize that there’s two types of people in the world:

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1. People who act more or less the same way regardless of who they’re around. For example, someone who will drop an F bomb in front of their friends and in front of a priest, that’s just who they are. These people tend to care less about whether people like them or not. Generally speaking, they are indifferent to the opinions of others.

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2. People who adjust their actions based on who they’re around. Some of these people might be more passive, in other words “people pleasers” or overly agreeable, bending to your will to match what you want. But there’s also a subset of people in this group who are not passive and are in fact the opposite. They are socially adept and will manipulate you into liking them. 

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Regardless of which group you belong to, the “be yourself” advice is particularly useless.

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If you tell someone in group 1, “Be yourself,” they will say, “I’m always myself.”

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If you tell someone in group 2 the same advice, they will say, “There are many versions of myself.”

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The reality is that I belong in group 2. I’ve always struggled with this advice, mainly because I don’t always get to choose which version of myself I want to be. More often than not, the situation around me dictates how I behave, and if that’s the case, then am I not being myself anyway?

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I am endlessly fascinated by the ways in which our relationships with other people impact our behavior. Why do we immediately “click” with some people, while other people it’s like talking to a brick wall? Some people call it chemistry, but I think it goes deeper than that.

I have this theory that group 1 people are drawn to group 2 people, and group 2 people are drawn to group 1 people. Group 1 people need someone who is malleable, someone that they can shape based on their whims and needs. Group 2 people need someone who is predictable, someone that they know what to expect, and therefore know what “version” of themselves they need to be around that person.

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This is of course just a theory, but something that I think dictates many of my relationships.

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So ask yourself - which group do I belong in? 

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And then ask yourself - what type of people do I enjoy spending the most time with?

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You might be surprised to see how much the two groups interact in your own life.